Reveries and Broken Dreams

My mind wanders to the tender moments of our marriage
that filled my life with joy

and tears well up in my eyes.

I want to run from the room and sob, but I have to hold it in because
there is work to be done.

I close my eyes for a moment, hoping no one sees me struggling

and

wishing someone noticed the fragile state I’m in.

No, not here, not now.

I tuck my pain in a drawer of my mind and focus on the tasks at hand.

I immerse myself in the busy-ness of laboratory tests until
it’s time to go home.

The drive home begins quietly –

soft music playing on the radio,

sweltering heat making me more exhausted than I already am.

I’m haunted by the memories of

things that came before

and the

dreams that could have been.

What I pushed away before now leaks out, building momentum
with each passing second.

I am shaking with paroxysms of grief, trying to drive safely though I’m momentarily blinded by

stinging tears.

Wondering what was the point of giving up so much of me

in order to play house with you.

___

K.C. 7.20.15